I blame Sandra Bullock. Thanks to her, my internet history will forever have my name associated with the words penis facial. To be fair, it’s Cate Blanchett’s fault too. A few weeks ago, Bullock’s Ocean’s 8 co-star gave an interview with Vogue Australia that went viral (now removed following controversy), talking about how they both love the skin-rejuvenating benefits of a treatment called the “penis facial.” It’s allegedly not that kind of facial, despite Blanchett telling the magazine that it smells a bit “like sperm.”
Facialist Georgia Louise is the practitioner of spermly facial delights. Despite the facial sounding questionable, she is very legit — her client list includes a healthy percentage of Met Gala attendees. She’s also got a game sense of humor, and an iPhone that seems like it would be really fun to hack, filled with multiple text chains from celebrities asking for that “penis treatment.” “I have text threads which would blow your mind from celebs, asking for the ‘penis treatment’ all the time now,” Louise told People. On the day I visit Louise’s facial “atelier,” she’s out of town, having been whisked away by Jennifer Aniston. (She’ll be back later in in the week, administering “penis facials” the morning of the Met Gala to Emilia Clarke and Anne Hathaway.)
Instead, a Brit named Sarah gives me the penis treatment. Louise’s atelier is on the first floor of an Upper East Side townhouse, decorated in a style that looks like high-end hygge, with light wood paneling that creaks with walking. Her waiting room has the entire range of Elemis and Biologique Recherche products (including all seven types of P-50), plus the $2,500 LED Desse mask. There’s a small hallway with several treatment rooms, and I’m whisked into one with warm, dim lighting and a treatment bed that has a fitted sheet, a top sheet, a duvet, another feathery blanket on top, and the option of two pillows (including one just for my knees).
The best facials I’ve had are ones in which I fall asleep and am then gently woken up with better, well-defined cheekbones without any idea why. While I was incredibly relaxed and comfortable, being administered high-end sperm to your face is not the stuff of nap time. First off, it takes 12 steps. The first few all involving making sure my face is super-clean — all the better to, counterintuitively, dirty it up later with Korean baby foreskin — go figure. Sarah first lovingly double-cleanses my skin and applies toner, using firm, sweeping hand motions that really get into the lymph nodes and massage the pressure points of my face. Then she does a light peel, to make sure that dead skin cells don’t clog up the dermis.
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